I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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