i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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