you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was like his penis was on wheels.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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