If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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