I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
its not stalking. its research.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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