so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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