the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
