Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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