Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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