yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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