U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
