The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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