Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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