HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
