i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
