dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
