just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
