Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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