i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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