She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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