There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
