oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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