I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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