my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
