So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
