Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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