I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
a search helicopter?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize