Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
