i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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