He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
