i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
