Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
