I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
