so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
