There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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