dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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