I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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