ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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