Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
