Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
