I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
