Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
