mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
