My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
