Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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