Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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