It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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