I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
