wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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