hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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