your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
