Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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