you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
