her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The maid of honor just puked.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
